Couples counselling

Relationships are difficult, and when lines of communication are closed it can be extremely challenging just to get one’s point across. Try as we might, our partner remains obstinate against compromise. Family members’ best ideas and intentions are attempted, without success. The crucial links that have always brought you back together again, love and trust, are gone. Any attempt at trying to negotiate a compromise seems to fall on deaf ears. Does this sound familiar?

In his book on couples therapy, Dr. John Gottman writes about the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”, four communication styles that predict relationship failure. These, in no particular order, are criticism (verbally attacking your partner’s personality or character to make them wrong); contempt (attacking your partner’s sense of self, intending to insult or hurt them); defensiveness (seeing yourself as the victim to ward off attacks and reverse blame); and stonewalling (withdrawing from the relationship to avoid more conflict and convey disapproval, i.e. silent treatment, one-word answers, walking away).

All four of these relationship styles cause damage to any relationship and make reconciliation even more difficult. Fortunately, there are better ways of communicating that can bring couples closer together and help repair damage that has been done over time. Listening to a hurt partner’s emotions, for example, can elicit feelings of empathy from the other and help the hurt partner feel validated and understood. As Dr. Gottman says, “To make a relationship last, couples must become better friends, learn to manage conflicts, and create better ways to support each other’s hopes and dreams.”

For more information on couples counselling, or to arrange an appointment for therapy sessions please contact us.